"You're awfully fat for a vegan." -my thoughts every time my co-worker brags about being vegan.

I LOVE it when people do the jerk-off hand motion when they don't know the word for the cardboard sleeve we put around hot drinks.

If you order a latte while you're on your cell phone, I serve you decaf.

Favstar is like a tip jar for my ego.

You don't need to explain to me why you want a few ice cubes in your coffee. I know how ice works.

Before you freak out because I didn't make your drink over ice, ask yourself; did I fail as a listener or did you fail as a communicator?

Put the tables and chairs back where you found them. I don't go to your house and rearrange your shit.

A woman came in wearing a rubber glove... just one. I didn't ask why.

Hey, there's no X in espresso. Pass it on.

Try not to give me dollar bills that look like they've lived up your ass for 5 years in a Vietnamese prison camp.

Be sure to tell all of your friends to follow me before I develope elaborate follow back standards.

I hate it when someone hands me money and says, "Out of 20." Yes I went to public school but I'm able to tell a 10 and 20 dollar bill apart.

This dude who looks old enough to be a confederate general just came in. The grays really love their mocha, and slavery.

I need to hire CSI to figure out the blast pattern on the men's room toilet.

This dude almost stroked out cause we're out of Splenda.

Your sun hat looks stupid unless your next stop happens to be a rice field in China.

How is it that this homeless dude has a newer iPod than mine?

Someone's booty exploded all over the toilet. I'm not pointing any fingers, but I bet it was the woman that made me make her drink twice.

When I ask, "How are you?" and you answer, "Give me," or "I need," it makes me pray that you choke on whatever it is you neeeeeed so bad.

Yes the wifi will work through our glass windows to outside.