how is Blimpie still in business?

imagine going through puberty in the jungle. nighttmaaaarrreee. #jumanji

My dog Reggie just tried to eat a nickel. Such a Jew.

Just pulled a muscle scooping some chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. Great workout. who needs the gym!? AM I RIGHT? #WhyImStillSingle

fun online game: natalie portman's face. you have to try to make her look ugly. at the end there's a pop up that says "nope, still gorgeous"

theres a show on discovery channel called "650-lb. Virgin"..... um. well yeah....?

do you know what DIY stands for? P-O-O-R. @zayell

I wish they had shaved Anne Hathaway's hair live during that performance. Look at her stupid face. Guhh

ok LL we get it. you used to matter. #grammys

How do you just let a fupa happen? Is it gradual? Like what are you!

poors are the worst

Kids are annoying. Like when they smile and play games. Useless.

Mariah is Christmas.

wait, Mufasa DIES!? i totally missed that part. this movie makes WAY more sense now.

Oh shit I just realized tomorrow is Valentines day! My plans require zero modification. #Im7yearsFrom30

met a girl named Zoe who spells her name "Xoe" and signs everything "xo, Xo" & now everything i've ever done is inadequate and not as cool.

JACKPOT just got a free flu shot on the street you guys! Ive never seen them melt down the vaccine like that before! It was awesome!

there aren't enough commercials in the world to make me believe that ITT-TECH is the best stop on the road to being a success. sorry, no.

I can't hear the song "To be Loved" without hearing Eddie Murphy belting it in a Zamunda accent on a Queens street corner.

just pulled a muscle sneezing, in case you were wondering why I'm single.