Killing at a comedy show in Oklahoma is like physically killing someone in Vegas, it goes largely unnoticed.

y'all dogs go to heaven

a friend was bragging about being a ladies man recently: "dude I got like 3 digits!" me: "that's just her area code bro there r 7 more #'s"

I don't call it weed anymore.. nah man, I call it sativa or indica.. because I was looking for another way to sound like a dickhead everyday

I love when people laugh really hard and then cough a lot. I think it's a more genuine and sincere form of laughter and perhaps tuberculosis

Saw a guy at a bar taking photos of two chicks with a flip phone. Oh snap, can't wait to see how they turned out.
#LowPixelPervert

it's not a coincidence that cologne and alone rhyme.

according to Facebook, 70% of the 'likes' i receive are from women. According to real life no one likes me.

just realized thong panties are essentially vagina eyepatches.

Don't you hate when you get an email after an awesome tweet and you're like hell yeah mad retweet but really some fat guy just followed you

I wonder if Jesus wore carpenter jeans.

Scriptural evidence is an oxymoron.

bob stoops opens yet another Stoop'r Salad and I eat there.
#OKCin2023

basketball renamed 'official state sport' and ppl all but forget how to throw foot and base balls. #OKCin2023

@rayke looks like the sweaty hand that drinks from the soda fountain in those mid nineties Taco Beuno commercials. #okctwitterlive

'rapture' has the same root word as 'rape'. no thanks, jesus.

wish I had a shirt that looked like these metro bus seat covers. pic.twitter.com/gwtgRtJS

lol pic.twitter.com/GbgrmMm4

just invented a new dance move in the shower.

fuck social media.