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Killing at a comedy show in Oklahoma is like physically killing someone in Vegas, it goes largely unnoticed.
y'all dogs go to heaven
a friend was bragging about being a ladies man recently: "dude I got like 3 digits!" me: "that's just her area code bro there r 7 more #'s"
I don't call it weed anymore.. nah man, I call it sativa or indica.. because I was looking for another way to sound like a dickhead everyday
I love when people laugh really hard and then cough a lot. I think it's a more genuine and sincere form of laughter and perhaps tuberculosis
Saw a guy at a bar taking photos of two chicks with a flip phone. Oh snap, can't wait to see how they turned out.
it's not a coincidence that cologne and alone rhyme.
according to Facebook, 70% of the 'likes' i receive are from women. According to real life no one likes me.
just realized thong panties are essentially vagina eyepatches.
Don't you hate when you get an email after an awesome tweet and you're like hell yeah mad retweet but really some fat guy just followed you
I wonder if Jesus wore carpenter jeans.
Scriptural evidence is an oxymoron.
'rapture' has the same root word as 'rape'. no thanks, jesus.
just invented a new dance move in the shower.
fuck social media.