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Killing at a comedy show in Oklahoma is like physically killing someone in Vegas, it goes largely unnoticed.
y'all dogs go to heaven
the plural for horse should be horse. look at all those horse o'er there. majestic cluster o horse o'er the horizon. 3 horse maimed my wife.
a friend was bragging about being a ladies man recently: "dude I got like 3 digits!" me: "that's just her area code bro there r 7 more #'s"
I don't call it weed anymore.. nah man, I call it sativa or indica.. because I was looking for another way to sound like a dickhead everyday
I love when people laugh really hard and then cough a lot. I think it's a more genuine and sincere form of laughter and perhaps tuberculosis
Saw a guy at a bar taking photos of two chicks with a flip phone. Oh snap, can't wait to see how they turned out.
it's not a coincidence that cologne and alone rhyme.
according to Facebook, 70% of the 'likes' i receive are from women. According to real life no one likes me.
just realized thong panties are essentially vagina eyepatches.
Don't you hate when you get an email after an awesome tweet and you're like hell yeah mad retweet but really some fat guy just followed you
I wonder if Jesus wore carpenter jeans.
Scriptural evidence is an oxymoron.
you've had a bad start if elliott smith comes on shuffle and it's cheering you up.
at USC all the kids drive nicer cars than their professors. what's the motivation to learn?
I can count how many times I've been laid in 2013 on one finger.
drinking alcohol outside is clearly more fun than drinking inside or else it wouldn't be illegal.