*wealthy bitcoin investor puts a toy pistol in his mouth* "Alt control delete."

I wish Google+ were called Googleplouffe and every post had to be about David Plouffe. And the only person on it was David Axelrod.

I killed my future self before he had a chance to see Looper. :(

Every cute kitten you've ever seen in a YouTube video is just some asshole cat now.

My life coach benched me.

If we the people ever need to ACTUALLY rise up against tyranny, guns ain't gonna help. We'll need those swinging logs like the Ewoks had.

Brock Obama. Misty Clinton. Vice President Geodude.

"I've got 99 problems and each one of them is a bitch." - a Mormon

Ron Paul has finished his concerto. "Mr. Speaker, I yield the remainder of my time." Paul Ryan sits at piano, slowly plays Chopsticks

How come women get their own appreciation day and all men get is centuries of untempered power and social dominance?

"He's just a grizzly bear in a white lab coat!" RT @nprnews New Allegations Leveled Against Polar Bear Scientist n.pr/pp4zNF

If God wanted everyone to be happy, he wouldn't have made some people beautiful and the rest of us neurotic assholes.

Thank God the Internet has made it so much easier and more convenient to hate myself.

"Paul Ryan? Balls-out lyin'!" - Joe Biden winning the debate in three seconds

How fitting that President Lincoln, whom we humbly honor on this day, is the VERY face with which you can buy 12 inches of bacon at Subway.

Halfway through The Grey, Liam Neeson realizes the wolf is actually an unshaven Alec Baldwin from The Edge.

If I could somehow find an audience composed entirely of my friends' parents, I'd already be famous.

House GOP Passes 11th-Hour Ban on 'Office' Tweets

"We won't tolerate another Darrell [Issa - R. CA] spoiling Kenneth's lines on 30 Rock."

Sorry guys my Twitter got hacked and has been posting shitty tweets for four years

Behold my greatest and most shameful vice in the first episode of the "Making New Friends" webseries!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFPHkFxevOc&hd=1 …