Raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by the Olympics http://t.co/IyzPetTZ

If you're keeping score, Obama is winning & Romney still hates you if you're gay

30 days hath September, April, June & I slept with your brother

If you measure your penis in millimeters it's SO much bigger!!

I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by driving around without car insurance

Masturbation is a perfectly normal part of human life just not on Channing Tatum's front porch according to my arresting officer

Remember when a pack of smokes was only 4 bucks & there was hope that I'd find love??

You can spell "Tattoo artist" without "GED" but really you can't.

Harry Potter is so unrealistic, nobody's best friend is a ginger.

I bet the first guy to throw a cat in a blender didn't even mean to invent dubstep

I hope Lindsay Lohan is ok but if all else fails we still have her twin sister from Parent Trap

I eat because I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy because I eat, I just hit my ex with my car

Just worked out for the first time in months & christ if that wasn't a long walk to grab my phone so I could lie to you guys

Every breath you take, every move you make, every single day I'll be watching you with binoculars from my razr scooter I love you

Snooki's pregnant, the Situation's going to rehab & I hate myself for understanding this sentence.

American Idol seems like the longest job interview for Carnival Cruises

This pumpkin spice latte tastes like white privilege

Just set my childhood photo albums on fire & pissed on the edges to put it out can anyone let me know if I did this instagram thing right

Just took a dump on my ex's car like a typical Sagittarius

I'm bored let's shoot Michelle Williams out of the ground again