@Zaius13's (Doctor Zaius) most faved Tweets...
Wife got a hideous haircut. I told her the only way I'd still have sex with her is if she gave the slightest indication that she wanted to.
Oops! I left the curtains open. Now my neighbors know what my junk looks like pressed up against the window with a flashlight aimed at it.
What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek.
Don't cry over spilled milk. And broken eggs. And a violated ham. And-FINE, I'LL LEAVE. This isn't the only grocery store in town, you know.
Why is it okay when a woman has sex with someone half her age, but when a man does it, it's awesome?
If you say "it is what it is" one more fucking time, I'm going to shove a sartre so far up your camus you'll have to wear a kierkegaard.
You know you're in a long term relationship when you can hear her rolling her eyes through the phone.
Looking and quacking like a duck does not preclude it from being a cyborg assassin from the future inexplicably designed to simulate a duck.
Why do people say 'catch a flight' when they mean 'spend 12 hours in a disease incubator with 200 fetid humans and their screeching larvae'?
I like to unwind by getting into bed with a bottle of gin and my charred doll heads and screaming "Who's macho now, DAD?" through the tears.
Sen. Al Franken has crafted legislation with Rep. Marion Berry. Committee chair Kent Chocula has threatened to table the Franken-Berry bill.
Honesty is only the best policy if you never want to get a job, have sex, or scare the neighbor kids into joining your cult.
Call it creepy if you want, but if I don't wear this clown mask and diapers, the guy outside my window takes forever to finish masturbating.
How to impersonate your boss:
1) ALWAYS speak in falsetto.
2) Start with "Look at me, I'm [boss's name here]"
3) LOTS of nipple touching.
1) ALWAYS speak in falsetto.
2) Start with "Look at me, I'm [boss's name here]"
3) LOTS of nipple touching.
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