Wife got a hideous haircut. I told her the only way I'd still have sex with her is if she gave the slightest indication that she wanted to.

How the fuck would I know? Do I look like the woodchuck's fucking project manager?

Roses are red.
Violence is wrong.
But some like it rough.
Just ask your mom.

I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.

The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

Arrgh. I keep writing "Corey Haim is still alive" on my checks.

Oops! I left the curtains open. Now my neighbors know what my junk looks like pressed up against the window with a flashlight aimed at it.

Masturbating in front of the dog hasn't gotten any easier since he died.

I don't think you understand how far up the fuck you need to shut it.

What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek.

Why is it okay when a woman has sex with someone half her age, but when a man does it, it's awesome?

Don't cry over spilled milk. And broken eggs. And a violated ham. And-FINE, I'LL LEAVE. This isn't the only grocery store in town, you know.

You know you're in a long term relationship when you can hear her rolling her eyes through the phone.

When your only tool is a bong, every problem looks like it can wait until tomorrow.

I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "fuck that" to "yes, dear".

If you say "it is what it is" one more fucking time, I'm going to shove a sartre so far up your camus you'll have to wear a kierkegaard.

Looking and quacking like a duck does not preclude it from being a cyborg assassin from the future inexplicably designed to simulate a duck.

I like to unwind by getting into bed with a bottle of gin and my charred doll heads and screaming "Who's macho now, DAD?" through the tears.

Why do people say 'catch a flight' when they mean 'spend 12 hours in a disease incubator with 200 fetid humans and their screeching larvae'?

My wife caught me masturbating and the most embarrassing part is that I even own Alvin and the Chipmunks on blu-ray in the first place.