@Zaius13's (Doctor Zaius) recently faved Tweets...
My wife is gonna feel so stupid when I tell her that 'Exasperating Husband' is just a character I've been developing since we got married.
Two words I just can't stand hearing together are "creamy dump." So, as soon as she's finished, I'm gonna have to ask your mom to leave.
Sure, it's easy to say I almost killed the baby just because you saw it. I bet when nobody's looking, you're always almost killing the baby.
Sometimes I awake with a sense of purpose, as though my life finally has direction. But it usually just turns out to be a pee pee boner.
I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.
My cat complains when I drive him to the vet, but we always end up stopping behind Red Lobster "just for a second" whenever he drives.
"No no no. *Recital*. With an 'i'."
"Ohhh. That makes more sense. I was wondering how they'd fit a piano in there."
"Ohhh. That makes more sense. I was wondering how they'd fit a piano in there."
Happy birthday @everydaydude! Now that you're 30, your mom and I think you should know that your mustache is adopted.
Every time I hear the name Carrie Bradshaw, I picture Sarah Jessica Parker in a football uniform, like in that Disney movie, "Gus".
I like how some people let their kids run loose in public, imposing no rules or boundaries. Wait. Did I say like? I meant weep for humanity.
Wife: "Will you do me a favor?"
Me: "Well, okay. But only because it's International Women's Day."
Wife: "And Douchebag Day, apparently."
Me: "Well, okay. But only because it's International Women's Day."
Wife: "And Douchebag Day, apparently."
The baby fell on the floor at breakfast this morning. Luckily, she landed butter side up, so the five second rule still applied.
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