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What's the big deal? I WANT to know which tweet was the reason I was unfollowed and go in my timeline and star that fucker myself!
Sometimes, I'll think alot about your tweets and your face and then start to wonder what you might be like in person when I'm released......
Just noticed that my roommate's shampoo and conditioner bottles were at the SAME EXACT FUCKING LEVEL! Pretty sure I'll be murdered soon...
Twitter = shiterature.
She's attractive and I like everything about her, well, except for her no's.
Wasn't going to drink today, but then I thought about all the starving, non-drunk children in Africa and it really put shit into perspective
Repent. It's what's for sinner.
"Well, maybe I'll just CRY you a fuckin' liver!" -surgeon with a horrible sense of humor
Life is like a box of hog clits, because I'm buzzed and just laughed at that shit for at least three minutes.
Siamese twins make great editors. They never point out your mistakes, they just co-rectum. (...wait for it)
I'm pretty astounded by any girl who has seen my bathroom and will still let me touch her vagina.
Judging by the sound of your heels, you love the cock.
WARNING: Never sit indian-style and hold the bong with your feet! I think I just coughed up a testicle...
I play Operation with the chip bag during a movie.
Your cart is full, but your Cookie Monster sweats, neck tattoo, and missing tooth tell me your paying in food stamps.
"You're FRUSTRATED? More like MENSTRUATED!" -never say this, ever
Seems pretty selfish that my mother has a day, when if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't even be a mother.
Sometimes I get bummed that I work Saturday nights, but then I think of all the money and chlamydia tests I've saved myself....
Trust me, nobody gets 'high on life' regularly because life is fucking expensive!
What's that disease where you start to forget about the people and things that were once important to you? Alcoholism? I have that...
After a five month hiatus, I returned to Twitter-land....well, because I'm bored and possibly drunk. I look like complete shit these days...