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Why do people always tell me they are vegans we first meet? Do they think I'm going to start packing their lunch for them?
If at least some of these tweets aren't coming out of state mental hospitals, I'm buying an armored car.
Most people are delusional yet harmless. If you are harmful & not delusional enter the military. Harmful AND delusional, enter politics.
How come every time I see a bear, it runs off. When I see a raccoon it looks at me like, "Get off my patio or I will Fuck. You. Up."
Wife: If you keep drinking beer you're not going to be able to go with us to my Mom's. Me: Do you ever listen to yourself?
I'm certainly no authority, but if you want to avoid the muffin top you probably shouldn't put size 8 jeans on a size 12 girl.
If you think you are charming, just try to get breakfast at 10:40 from McDonalds. They'll straighten your ass right out.
Me: I didn't say you were an idiot, I said you were behaving like one.
Coworker: I don't see the difference.
Sometimes I read your tweets, laugh and then double check my privacy settings.
My Twitter wife and my Twitter girlfriend know about each other.
It's cool though because they don't know about me.
I'm not going to say I would never hang out with a yodeler, but we would have to agree on some very strict boundaries
Before we start any new religions let's end some of the old ones.
This crap is getting out of hand.
You've really hit rock bottom when you're cuffed in the back of an SUV receiving life advice from Dog the Bounty Hunter and his family.
The salesperson said it took six cows to make my couch. I can't even get my son to clean his room.
Whenever anybody tells me they bring a lot to the table it usually ends up being just their baggage.
Even though it defies logic, I always look when I flush an airplane toilet hoping to see the ground.
I can't help thinking that people that lock their tweets would be happier journaling.
If you are a heterosexual guy you don't need to tell women you are easy.
They know and in fact have been on to us for years.
I washed my hands at McDonalds and now they smell like that stuff coroners put under their noses so dead people don't smell bad.
This is my Twitter.
This is my gun.
This is for laughing.
This is for fun.
I don't have time to watch our friendship bloom, can we just fast forward to the place where I can borrow your car?