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“I do not mind peeing in front of people, I just do not like getting started in front of people.”
— the opening line of my autobiography
I don't care about you as a person, I care about your abilities to entertain me in 140 characters.
You can get a lot done by not micromanaging the habits of people on Twitter.
— The Four Hour Workweek
What is it called when the only meat you eat is Swedish Fish? Diabetis?
You have no proof that I won't be President Batman.
I invited my friends to play Word with Friends with me and they all responded with, "Friends is a strong word."
You are so insensitive that you would tweet your own mother if you could.
Has anyone checked to see if we still can’t divide by zero? I bet we’ve been able to do this for months but no one has tried.
I can't work under these conditions. Bring in the dancing lobsters.
Hey people with your following Fridays: I already got you. I don't need anyone else.
Man, that guy who wrote that article that backs up my existing beliefs NAILED IT!
80% of domestic violence is caused by that god damn music they play in the dentist office.
I like to hide in the restroom at work and place bets on who washes their hands.
Dead people suffer from a chemical embalmance.
I hate you guys so much when the television has things on it.
YouTube is a perfect replacement for parenting, as long as you give your kid the keyboard cat talk.
I bought my books for college today. That national debt doesn't look so big anymore.
Toys"R"Us, Babies"R"Us? Make up your mind, what are we?
⊗ Self-described seasoned antagonist, creator of the mad lib
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