Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207....

My girlfriend said "You treat this house like a hotel." I said "I have NEVER fucking snorted cocaine off a hooker's tits in this house."

Ladies. Look at your man. Now back at me. Now back to your man. Now back to me. What's in my hand, it's a knife. Get in the van.

I think for this years Halloween I'm gonna dress up as a period....


Then show up late just to scare the shit out of everyone!

My wife calls my cock ''The Firework." Because she keeps it at arms length since it went off in her face that one time.

I saved my girlfriend from a nasty fucking fire breathing dragon, and all she could say to me was,

"You have a drug problem."

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
The very next day,
Your body rejected the transplant and you died.

I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously,, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

When I die I want to be cremated and put in an etch-a-sketch for the grandkids.

I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces around the pond yesterday.

Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.

Why waste money on flowers trying to increase your odds of getting sex, when you can just buy a knife and guarantee it.

I knew it was going to be a great blowjob when the wife puts a breathe easy nasal strip on.

Since nobody reads this I feel its safe to say I masturbated to gay porn last night.

Me: you're all dressed up baby, where are you going?
Girlfriend: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook profile picture. :-/

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world!

'One man's junk is another man's treasure.' - Well that doesn't sound gay at all.

Im sick of my neighbour coming round every time I'm having sex.
Time to up the chloroform I think.

Being a parent usually means enthusiastically clapping for a lot of lame stuff...


It's like being a Coldplay fan.