If you have something mean to say...say it to my facebook account. I never check that shit.

Don't tell her, but when it's my wife's turn to do the dishes, I use like 6 knives to make one sandwich.

"Have you tried being funnier?" - Twittercide Hotline

It's reassuring to see that you attractive people have no life either.

My son just shampooed the carpet, minus the ‘sham’.

Imagine a world without war where we remember scientists and artists.

That violent body-jerk right before you fall asleep is your subconscious reminding you that you’re an asshole.

Weed, weed,
the magical plant.
The more you smoke,
the less you rant.

Did you know that a person can drown in only an inch of their own shallowness?

All these years and no one has ever questioned Bob Barker’s choice of microphones.

Calm the fuck down, jogger mom pushing your twins in their aerodynamic stroller to train for a triathlon, just calm the fuck down.

It would at least be a little less insulting if she was actually wearing a watch when she stares at her wrist while we fuck.

A Jew walks into a bar and buys everyone a drink.


That's it, that's the joke. Happy Harmonica!

Ordering KY Jelly online because I’m married so we can wait for shipping.

My wife and I play elaborate sex games. Like when she stabs me so we can play doctor.

In some small way, atoms are to blame for everything.

Good news: I've lost enough weight to see my feet again. Bad news: Still no sign of my penis.

Fuck it, I'm going looting anyway.

Turns out all of those unknown charges on my credit card were from simply driving by gas stations.

Shoutout to people having sex right now! If I missed anyone, just go ahead and fuck yourselves.