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If anybody in the South ever tells you, "Hold my beer and watch this," you're probably about to inherit a beer.
It's amazing that the people who are skeptical of Obama's birth certificate almost always think the Bible is well-documented.
If I ever hang myself, I think I'll do it from a giant balloon, so my corpse can float all over town and terrify people while cops chase it.
The other day, while watching my dog try to have sex with a filthy old bathmat, it occurred to me that I've grown weary of all this glamour.
If I had a dollar for every time I've given a woman an orgasm I'd have a dollar that everyone would be sick of seeing me wave around.
I wish my best friend was a midget who looked just like me. I'd walk out of rooms saying "I'll be back shortly!" then send him in.
Started a food fight in a Whole Foods store. Did $650,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 in damage.
You can save a lot of money on cowboy boots by just writing "BUTTHOLE" across your tee-shirt instead.
Since the Birthers' feverently-held beliefs about Obama's birth certificate have been proven wrong, how can we ever trust them about Jesus?
Here's a good way to exercise your patience: listen to a pothead tell you their plans for starting a small business.
Find someone with a tribal tattoo and get the same exact tattoo. Then they HAVE to hang out with you or admit they're living a lie.
Fuck that human centipede stuff, I'm gonna try to make my own Teletubbies out of kidnapped hitchikers and some old computer monitors.
If the New Testament was being written today it'd be a bunch of stuff like FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: OMG baby born from virgin mother WTF!!!
Five minutes into our rap battle, I realized the other guy just had Tourette's.
Affably misanthropic hellspawn who needs a place to put stupid things he says.
