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This weekend I watched a girl take her clothes off for four hours, yet she never got naked. She was a Möbius stripper.
My deaf friend is missing a finger so she signs with a lisp.
When I was six I told my parents they were doing a terrible job raising me, but they just said, "Ah, shut up, you're drunk!"
I really, really want to get excommunicated but I hate the idea of having to join a church first.
I'll never forget the terrible day we got hungry enough to stop making fun of the guy we called Johnny Trailmix.
Probably the worst thing about being crazy is not being able to sleep at night because you can hear the Venus De Milo clapping.
Here's the deal: you don't tell me about Jesus, and I won't tell you about vampires and wolfmans under your bed.
Fuck it, waiting for this pope business is taking too long. I'm just gonna go find some crazy old man and decorate him myself!
There's no need to use racial slurs. "Asshole" works for everybody.
If anybody in the South ever tells you, "Hold my beer and watch this," you're probably about to inherit a beer.
Babies are very delicate, so make sure you use lots of bubble wrap when you're mailing them.
The other day, while watching my dog try to have sex with a filthy old bathmat, it occurred to me that I've grown weary of all this glamour.
WE WILL MISS YOU, NAZI POPE!
Ask your doctor if your heart is strong enough for sexual activity. Then ask, "How 'bout for reading scary ghost stories?!?"
Silently listen as someone tells you their problems for 20 minutes. Then when they're done say, "Your head looks kind of like a bean."
Ted Nugent's fans don't buy his CDs to listen to 'em -- they just like to put their dicks through the hole in the middle & then spin them.
Let's have a round of applause for the human race, which puts up with Ann Coulter even though she's just a life support system for a rectum.
I'll never forget what my grandpa once said to me: "Eeep, EEEP!" This was on the day he thought he was a chimp. That's why it's memorable.
Follow your dreams. Except for the one where you shit butterflies. That one's stupid and isn't ever going to happen.
Since the Birthers' feverently-held beliefs about Obama's birth certificate have been proven wrong, how can we ever trust them about Jesus?
Affably misanthropic hellspawn who needs a place to put stupid things he says.