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You know what, interracial marriages are bad for the kids. It's not like they could grow up and BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
Vaccinations are great and all, but I prefer to build up immunity the old fashioned way.
To the Burger King ball pit, kids!
No one ever told me that fresh homemade pumpkin pie feels like soft, full, supple sideboob.
Excuse me. I need a moment alone with my pie.
Called hub's office, forgot I was calling, freaked out when he answered, screamed and hung up.
Maybe I should eat something.
Goodbye, razor. Fall marks my transformation into Sasquatch.
I propose that after Follow Friday we have Mute Monday.
FINE, 5 YEAR OLD, I WILL MAKE YOU A KETCHUP PIE.
"When I ask you about your day, I do not want to hear about how many stars your top tweet got."
I don't think he understands that closet organization teeters on half the laundry being dirty at all times.
Not sure why motherfucker's husband, fatherfucker, never took off. It's an alliteration and everything.
My son wants me to attach a duck's foot to his toy dinosaur, proving those Baby Frankenstein discs really paid off.
What if you laugh, but not really out loud? Is it just "L"?
"Why does the clock for your feet make you sigh?"
5, while I stood on the bathroom scale this morning.
When I see another car exactly like mine on the road I suppress the urge to have them mate for more purebred cars.
Nobody knows the troubles I've seen and that's why I can blackmail your ass.
One hole in a blanket does not a snuggie make.
Best part about a long car ride is the constant jiggling. Usually I'd pay for this kind of action.
Or be up against a washing machine.
CHILD IF YOU DID NOT WANT TO FALL HEADFIRST OFF THE COUCH MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE SLEPT UNTIL 10 THAT IS HOW MOMMY GETS HER SEA LEGS
If you mention camel toe the pants are shredded and I buy five to take their place, got it?
I mean, thanks for your honesty, dear.
And twitter is over capacity because everyone is off tumblr and overloading twitter. YOU ARE YOUR OWN PROBLEM, PEOPLE.