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  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    You know what, interracial marriages are bad for the kids. It's not like they could grow up and BE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

    • 69
    • FAVS
    badkitty_linanneblackNicestHippoBayOfSlamPigsJoyPlazafunnyguytnylgnMODAT
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    Vaccinations are great and all, but I prefer to build up immunity the old fashioned way.

    To the Burger King ball pit, kids!

    • 51
    • FAVS
    badkitty_fuddlemarkBayOfSlamPigsDonnamite1JoyPlazadonnitnylgnMODAT
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Favstar500Favs
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    No one ever told me that fresh homemade pumpkin pie feels like soft, full, supple sideboob.

    Excuse me. I need a moment alone with my pie.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    NicestHippoBayOfSlamPigsdonniMODATninjacentricheyiamcharlotteelizabitetammyphinney______
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    Called hub's office, forgot I was calling, freaked out when he answered, screamed and hung up.

    Maybe I should eat something.

    • 33
    • FAVS
    BayOfSlamPigsMODATitsdonnaokninjacentricRoadfilm__________heyiamcharlotteelizabitetammyphinney______
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    Goodbye, razor. Fall marks my transformation into Sasquatch.

    • 32
    • FAVS
    MODATninjacentrictammyphinney______bedheadblonde____tollehaustwistedpfister____the_dzaMyDogDiesel
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    I propose that after Follow Friday we have Mute Monday.

    • 30
    • FAVS
    BayOfSlamPigsDonnamite1MODATninjacentricheyiamcharlottetammyphinney______navanaxbedheadblonde____
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    FINE, 5 YEAR OLD, I WILL MAKE YOU A KETCHUP PIE.

    • 29
    • FAVS
    BayOfSlamPigsDonnamite1MODATheyiamcharlotteelizabitetammyphinney______navanaxbedheadblonde____
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    "When I ask you about your day, I do not want to hear about how many stars your top tweet got."

    Luddite.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    fuddlemarkBayOfSlamPigsMODATninjacentricelizabitenavanaxBagheeraDanbedheadblonde____
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    I don't think he understands that closet organization teeters on half the laundry being dirty at all times.

    • 27
    • FAVS
    MODATninjacentricelizabitetammyphinney______bedheadblonde____tollehausthe_dzaMyDogDiesel
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    Not sure why motherfucker's husband, fatherfucker, never took off. It's an alliteration and everything.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    MODATheyiamcharlottetammyphinney______navanaxBagheeraDantollehaus1surlygurltikilovegod
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    My son wants me to attach a duck's foot to his toy dinosaur, proving those Baby Frankenstein discs really paid off.

    • 25
    • FAVS
    fuddlemarkDonnamite1MODATninjacentricelizabitenavanaxbedheadblonde____tollehaus
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    What if you laugh, but not really out loud? Is it just "L"?

    • 22
    • FAVS
    BayOfSlamPigslmcg_eMODATjtaliaBagheeraDanbedheadblonde____tikilovegodthe_dza
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    "Why does the clock for your feet make you sigh?"

    5, while I stood on the bathroom scale this morning.

    • 22
    • FAVS
    fuddlemarkBayOfSlamPigsLorrax710MODATbedheadblonde____factualfiction___tollehauscloudeeuh
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    When I see another car exactly like mine on the road I suppress the urge to have them mate for more purebred cars.

    • 18
    • FAVS
    qveewunanythingdrwportorckhonkshuHankbudtikilovegodklikekyle
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    MellafabulousGirlGetALifejoeschmitt
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    Nobody knows the troubles I've seen and that's why I can blackmail your ass.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    MODATRoadfilm__________bedheadblonde____factualfiction___tollehaustikilovegodthe_dzaMrBigFists
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    One hole in a blanket does not a snuggie make.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    MODATRoadfilm__________bedheadblonde____tollehausdesirousgoddess1surlygurllmcg_enorthpacific
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    Best part about a long car ride is the constant jiggling. Usually I'd pay for this kind of action.

    Or be up against a washing machine.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    MODATninjacentricRoadfilm__________bedheadblonde____tollehausthe_dzalmcg_enorthpacific
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    CHILD IF YOU DID NOT WANT TO FALL HEADFIRST OFF THE COUCH MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE SLEPT UNTIL 10 THAT IS HOW MOMMY GETS HER SEA LEGS

    • 20
    • FAVS
    BayOfSlamPigsMODATelizabitebedheadblonde____tollehausthe_dzalmcg_eLisaG732__________
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    If you mention camel toe the pants are shredded and I buy five to take their place, got it?

    I mean, thanks for your honesty, dear.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    fuddlemarkMODATninjacentricbedheadblonde____tollehausthe_dzanavanaxFriedaClub
  • _1984
      1984 @_1984

    And twitter is over capacity because everyone is off tumblr and overloading twitter. YOU ARE YOUR OWN PROBLEM, PEOPLE.

    • 15
    • FAVS
    iadrieltrintaeseis______the_dzaninjapixie83lagartazul____yodelmachineArianeFreitashonkshu
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    nnnnngghtcuryz________kchhonkshu
@_1984

@_1984

Ask not for whom the finger points.