good job there lady. Im sure Jesus would love to see the instrument of his torture and execution beadazzled on your purse.

Plan A: Marry hot girl. Plan B: Marry average girl that can cook. Plan C: Hookers and Poptarts.

I think Twitter should drop Stars all together and replace it with Magical Unicorns. Then ppl will tweet, "I'm such a Magical Unicorn whore"

I hate how everyone just assumes I believe in new years day. happy holiday to you too jerk.

It's not that I'm always right, it's that I'm more right than most people... all of the time.

I can't remember what happens if someone drinks bleach. They either die... or they don't. It's definitely one or the other.

Wife: ...



oh yeah I don't have a wife.

Why is Christmas trending?... did it die?

Man I miss a woman's touch. And by that I mean, I miss the outdated food in my fridge being thrown away.

the oversized playboy bunny sticker must get that guy laid like CONSTANTLY. good thing he has it or I might question his sexual orientation

If male suicide bombers get a bunch of virgins when they die, do female suicide bombers get like one male that just listens to them?

When I have kids I'm teaching them that other ppl's version of Santa is wrong, that our Santa is far more superior & judges the other Santas

God came to me in a dream last night and told me to tell yall youre not pronouncing jalapeno right

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?... A May Bee! I stole this from a cereal box- Don't you judge me

deleted my myspace account today. It didn't seem very happy about it, but ya know it feels good to bring closure to a neglected relationship

I don't remember ever following some of you people. Was I drunk when we met?...


Should I get checked?

my livingroom bulb went out. Now Im trying to rearrange bulbs so there is some light in every room of my apt. Its a game of college poverty.

I like going to @favstar and starring every tweet in the 10 star rank. Not bc Im rooting for the underdog. I just hate the jonas brothers.

If I ever get on top of favstar's leader board, I want it to be bc I threatened ppls lives and cheated the system. Not bc I'm really funny

Axe has a body spray that smells like leather? Is this what turns you girls on? Seriously bc I'll move to another country before I wear that