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Why are people proud of where they're from? Or their race? Wasn't that all given to you purely by chance?
Favorite this tweet if you're a pervert. According to my stats, I should have 439 favorites by tonight.
Somewhere, Kurt Cobain is rolling in his grave.
Why would I #prayforjapan when God should have just stopped this disaster to begin with? Get your heads out of your asses, people.
I hate all drunk people unless they're me.
I'm voting for the girl with the biggest boobs. #idol
For Valentine's Day, I got my girlfriend a heart shaped ROOF OVER HER HEAD.
If I had to choose a way to die while on death row it would definitely be death by blow job.
I just had some amazing chinese food. I'm already better at calculus.
I have my alarm set to wake up in the middle of the night to make sure that my DVR is not recording the #royalwedding.
I wish identity theft also gave the thief your debt. That would be great.
I like when people refer to playing an open mic night as them having a "gig" because it's exactly the opposite of a gig.
Mom asked if she could see my Twitter account. I was uncomfortable with that so in order to change the subject, I had sex with her instead.
Thinking of going tanning because hey, skin cancer sounds like a blast?
I just wrote a blog post titled "The top three reasons why you should pee in the sink." - my life is doomed.
I got 100 problems.
I feel great this morning. I don't celebrate St. Patrick's day because I am not an asshole.
Waited a total of 8 hours for the cable guy could come. I don't even want a credit to my account. I just wanna kick him in the balls.
Girlfriend has a cold. I'm pretty sure that means she's been cheating on me with someone who has a cold?
Well lets see. it will be hard to get a good bio written in such a little space but I think I can do it if I keep it short and simple. Basically I'm 27 years ol