Why are people proud of where they're from? Or their race? Wasn't that all given to you purely by chance?

Favorite this tweet if you're a pervert. According to my stats, I should have 439 favorites by tonight.

Somewhere, Kurt Cobain is rolling in his grave.

Why would I #prayforjapan when God should have just stopped this disaster to begin with? Get your heads out of your asses, people.

I hate all drunk people unless they're me.

I'm voting for the girl with the biggest boobs. #idol

For Valentine's Day, I got my girlfriend a heart shaped ROOF OVER HER HEAD.

If I had to choose a way to die while on death row it would definitely be death by blow job.

@michaelianblack: Keebler Elf dressed as the 'dick in a box' guy #virtualhalloweencostumes

I just had some amazing chinese food. I'm already better at calculus.

I have my alarm set to wake up in the middle of the night to make sure that my DVR is not recording the #royalwedding.

I wish identity theft also gave the thief your debt. That would be great.

I like when people refer to playing an open mic night as them having a "gig" because it's exactly the opposite of a gig.

Mom asked if she could see my Twitter account. I was uncomfortable with that so in order to change the subject, I had sex with her instead.

Thinking of going tanning because hey, skin cancer sounds like a blast?

I just wrote a blog post titled "The top three reasons why you should pee in the sink." - my life is doomed.

I got 100 problems.

I feel great this morning. I don't celebrate St. Patrick's day because I am not an asshole.

Waited a total of 8 hours for the cable guy could come. I don't even want a credit to my account. I just wanna kick him in the balls.

Girlfriend has a cold. I'm pretty sure that means she's been cheating on me with someone who has a cold?