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I am about to light my ex girl friend's face on fire and put it out with a fork
I am 24 years old.... Santa still visits me at my moms house, this year he brought me condoms and a drug test
It's cute watching girls pretending to be horny :)
I went to borrow a pair of my dads socks.... each sock felt crusty in the toes... Don't worry I am already enrolling myself in therapy
I decided to crush up one of my dad's Viagra pills and put it in his morning coffee before work..... I can't wait to hear about how his day
I am thinking about getting breast implants, That way I can sit at home and play with boobs without having to buy dinner first
Before I dumped my girlfriend I came in her sunscreen... wipe that on your face.... BURN!
Going color my cock with red lip stick so a girl can suck me off and put on her make up at the same time
Twitter is like a sex scene PG13 rated movie, you keep waiting for the nudity but all u get to see is a ton of cleavage
skank at the bar who is all over me.. I wouldn't touch you with a stolen dick
I need to work on my intense stare "don't fuck with me" stare.... because right now I just look constipated
I am so terrible at sex.... even my hand cries afterwards
I am in the mall standing in line next to a girl with the word slut tattooed across her right shoulder.... I admire her honesty
My dog tracked mud all over my house.... my niece is convinced the dog is trying to play blues clues
I like my girls the way I like my eggs.... over easy..... then stabbed with a fork
I thought I would be nice and let my 4 year old niece name my new dog... Now I have a 93 pound pit bull named Cuddles
I'm going to get a sex change so people will laugh at my jokes
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic - using a feather
Kinky - using the whole chicken
I get called a douche a lot but that's ok because at least I get some vagina in the process
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