I like how the one tweet that's gotten favorited the most keeps getting favorited more just because it's gotten favorited a lot.

"You're doing it, Rong!" -Rong's mother while he learns to walk

If you don't read the word "masturbating" at least once every 10 tweets, you're following the wrong people.

The crazier you are about someone, the crazier they can make you.

I get a bigger Twitter avi on my cell phone than my computer. What does that mean? Masturbating with the phone. That's what it means.

I started eating uncontrollably. I just wanted to be the bigger person.

Hey, people who don't RT much: why? Are you afraid other people might get followers?

If any of you get famous, at least I'll be able to say "I used to tweet with that person!"

Hand sanitizer is bullshit. My hands are just as crazy as before!

I ALWAYS USE CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS SO PEOPLE THINK I'M PISSED!!!!! I THINK FLOWERS ARE REALLY PRETTY!!!!!

Nice try, people who use this joke format all the time.

The phrase "great minds think alike" has been proven wrong by every riot ever. And by republicans.

Arguing on Twitter is like comparing something to the Special Olympics: it makes you seem like an asshole.

I don't want to die a hero, but I do want to dye a hero. Especially the Green Lantern. Too much green. Needs more peach.

I wonder how many of us would meet up and start making out instantly.

I'm glad they put these sauce packets in the back bottom corner of this egg roll box because I was looking for something to throw away.

I'm glad other people can still be funny when I'm not.

"Keep it up." -Viagra

Did you know? "Grape juice" is short for "gangster rape juice."

You know what's cool? The people with lots of followers who still go through and star tweets. That's what's cool.