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I feel like a dick for unfollowing people who post religious stuff but it's their fault really.
Why did the semen cross the road?
Cuz I put on the wrong sock.
You can't look cool chasing a beer pong ball
I almost forgot that I hate everyone.
Bartender: how are you today? Me: whiskey coke.
Chlamydia is not a flower
If only cigarette fairies existed.
I think Plato once wrote, "Girls don't like boys. Girls like cars and money."
I'm not crazy cuz I take the right pills. Everyday.
You look like you just walked out of the douche bag section at Nordstrom
I got the swag and it's pumpin out my ovariessssss
Pro tip: if a urinal smells like Doritos, don't eat the Doritos you found in the urinal.
Bring me the tongue, throw back the rest of him.
Just rediscovered my fear if ticking clocks
Everybody wears their hunger in their haunt. a collection of my (mis)calculated (drunk)thoughts and lyric ideas.
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