Twitter is a lot like New York City in that it never sleeps and is filled with hookers.

We're all so composed until someone comes around with bubble wrap.

This fling with Twitter is the most smothering relationship I've ever been in.

My first boyfriend wanted to name his future son Optimus Prime. I should've kept him around.

Short cars in parking spots are the reason I have trust issues.

Never grocery shop when you're hungry, never go to sleep when you're angry, always vacuum naked.

I heard the strangest word today. I think you pronounce it n-no?

The day I don't burn myself while cooking is the day I become a woman.

It's okay, my tweet didn't like you either.

Putting those fake gunshot stickers on your car was your midlife crisis.

A calculator is only as good as the idiot working it.

There's always money in the banana stand.

My old babysitter from kindergarden has two kids of her own now... Was I not good enough for you?!

To the person who threw out my toothpaste tube that had one brush left in it... You ruined everything.

Does Kirsten Dunst even own a bra?

It's okay, I don't know what to do with me either.

I really hope I don't meet my future husband somewhere shitty like a funeral or a human trafficking ambush..

I'm in an actual relationship with my bed. It's quite the commitment but we're both very happy with it.

A 15 year old won an Olympic gold medal today and I moved from my bed to the couch..

If this "relationship" leads to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West recording together I'll resort to popping my own ear drums.