Know what keeps me working out? Looking at pics of people I went to HS with on FB n seeing what fat asses 90% have become.

Welcome new followers. Prepare to be disappointed....



Like my parents.

Someone on my TL quit drinking and got a GF, and now his Tweets SUCK.

There's nothing worse than loving someone who'll never stop disappointing you.

I think Favstar has made some people seriously delusional.

On a scale of 1 to Charlie Sheen, I'm gonna party about a 3.5 this weekend. #tigerblood

Nothing like the feeling of accomplishment when you take a "wipeless" dump.

I LOL at hipsters drinking PBR. 20 years ago that shit was old drunk's beer. On par with Schlitz.

Don't understand what's so hard about the immigration debate. You're either legal or not. If not, get the fuck out.

Pretty sure that Google search I just did on depleted uranium has landed me on a government watch list.

My browser search history is starting to creep ME out.

Think I'm going to make a Twitter list called 'chicks I want to bang' and only add guys to it. Then wait for the death threats.

Shotgunning 2 beers is how I prepare to go out into the real world.

SOPA is Italian for soap. #factswithoutwikipedia

Ahh, sobriety. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

She was outside for a couple hours.

Today I used my debit card knowing it was surely an overdraft. And I gave not one fuck.

Damn. And I almost had it erased from my memory.

Americans could learn something from the British. Instead of pulling out a gun when we disagree, throw a pie instead.

I smoke because my mom didn't nurse me with her #boobenshpakles