Just fucked Jake from State Farm :/

Breaking!!! Karen on Facebook is cleaning her refrigerator.

You think I'm not here but I'm always here. Even if I'm not tweeting, I'm here. Scrolling. Judging.

Dear Liam Hemsworth,

Heard you're single again. Just so happens I am too. We should grab dinner* sometime.

Love,
Nixster

*each other

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU RACHEL - an alcoholic to someone who's name isn't Rachel

To this day, North Korea's computers have never been hacked. I knew our policy of no electricity would pay off.

Call me old fashioned but I like when guys open doors for me and at least dip their finger in vag sauce before cramming it up my butthole.

.@amandabynes You wanna buy some heroin?

I just found out your life flashes before your eyes the same being held up at gunpoint as it does when you draw blood while shaving ur balls

I'm not ashamed to admit that I care more about TV shows than I do my own life

Most of the time I tweet complete fuckin bullshit, just so you guys can see my face in your TL...

You're welcome..

I always open the door, so the peephole is really just a preview of who's about to rape me.

"Can anyone land this plane?!"

*stands up stretches sits back down and continues watching porn on my iPad mini*

Hakuna Matata, roughly translated, means "Fuck it"

Between a snoring husband and a cat who incessantly licks her fur, I call in sick to work just so I can sleep.

NO, Sun Microsystems, for the last time, I do not want to allow jucheck.exe to run, AUGHGH

The look of disappointment is never worse then when the UPS man stops in front of our house only to deliver a package across the street.

why 8 afraid of 9. because 9 slash 11

Bubbles&Booty happy #asswednesday @huntermoore 🛀💦💕 pic.twitter.com/voO4AUw1Lu

fuckin gross.. i click on a twitpic to hunter moore.. ends up being girl poop... they told me it was a myth