Which is the best revenge: living well or stalking?

Listening to our French waitress describe the specials and I think I am a lesbian now.

Oh the Places You'll Never Go Because You Have Three Kids

*tries to button jeans, cries so hard period starts*

My name means "fox" in Russian. Wanna fuck

When one door closes, somewhere a window is opened but I'm too old and fat to climb through

My kids are fighting over who's going to press the elevator button and WHERE ARE MY PILLS?

My coping mechanisms are counterproductive

I could write a blog post or I could lie on the couch and wait for the Mayan apocalypse.

Sex, drugs and rice paper rolls

Twitter, help me make better life choices

Hello darkness my old friend

Socialist by nature, capitalist by trade

Fromage a trois?

My daughter wants to be a waitress when she grows up, which is fine because we've only saved enough for one child's education anyway.

Lets turn this post office queue into a conga line. Come on, it won't be weird if we all do it.

@mzeld You're ovary-acting

If you cook some food and you didn't instagram it, did it really happen?

I can't believe nobody has invented Pinstagram yet. Do I have to think of everything?

I stay in shape by doing yoga every day. And by yoga I mean taking my bra off without removing my dress first.