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After having sex with my wife, I told her "the pleasure was all mine"....very quietly so as not to wake her.
When I was 18, I wanted 40 yr olds. Now that I'm 40, I want 18 yr olds. When I get this figured out I won't be able to get it up anymore.
Marriage advice: Don't introduce new moves to your lovemaking after returning from a bachelor party in Vegas
Can you get a contact high from someone blowing smoke up your ass?
I just got a 5 paragraph email from my neighbor in all CAPS. I'm getting the sense she's not too happy w/ me, I'm real perceptive like that.
I like to drink 10oz Miller High Life, I call them fat girls because they go down sooo easy.
Nipple is Areola's more attractive little sister who get's all the attention.
I hate when my wife steals my bad mood and I end up kissing HER ass. How the hell does she do that?
Whenever I roll a fat chick in flower I always end up fucking her armpit.
My wife likes to exchange sex for chores. Work gets done in spurts around our house.
Canada - everything you love about America plus health care
I've toyed with the idea of becoming a stalker, but I just don't have the free time it takes to really commit. I hate doing things half ass.
Turns me on to see a pregnant woman because I imagine the position she got pregnant in. The problem is I picture her getting it in the ass.
I was getting this blowjob one time and...that's it, just the one time, carry on.
Be warned, facial piercings and tattoos don't put you in a protected class. I will not hire you.
jk,I manage a Starbucks, the job is yours
I can see your freshly shaved legs, I can smell your lotion, I want to reach out and stroke your hair.... Fucking restraining orders.
Twitter: The best thing I've hated all day.
Before twitter I spent my days yelling random shit at cars from the overpass.
I twitter therefore I am...not very productive at work.
Pro tip: If you work "Donkey Punch" into your tweet, you're guaranteed a Star, RT and TOTD from me.