A good relationship is built upon finding someone who is just as fucked up as you in a similar way.

And hot slutty sex. But mostly the sex.

I've licked your asshole. So, yes. I'm cool with you drinking from the container.

Xanax - because fuck caring about stuff

When women play hard to get, I play not gonna try.

Loneliness is coming home and yelling "I'm home!" when you live alone. & laughing at the inside joke w yourself. & crying. & tweeting it.

I was getting ready to go to the store when I realized I wore these clothes there yesterday. So...I'm going to a different store.

My CTRL-ALT-DELETE is vodka-weed-xanax.

I don't remember much algebra, but I know that Ex = fucking crazy

Guys: If you are relying on the ribbed condoms to give her pleasure, you've been sadly misled.

And who the fuck wears condoms?! Honestly.

I was driving stoned in my car and Rhythm is Gonna Get You came on. I got so paranoid I had to turn the radio off. This weed is great!

Would you please shut the fuck up? I'm trying to tell you how beautiful you are.

When I call my drug dealer his ring back is classical music so I know I made the right decision.

I'm supporting the arts. Boom. Justified.

Why does my bellybutton smell so weird?



More importantly, why do I stick my finger in there and then smell it?

When favstar has a steaming pile of shit I can give to the worst tweet of the day I will pay for bonus features.

Girls who say "These drinks are going down easy."



Go down pretty easily.

I still don't know if it was or wasn't Maybeline.

"Why can't I quit you?!" - Me to the box of Cheez-Its I was trying to close and put away.

My college degree = REALLY expensive piece of paper

I'm going to a farmer's market today. I can't wait to point at my erection and tell all the hippie girls it's "locally grown."

Is it just my ego, or does everyone want to fuck me?