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A good relationship is built upon finding someone who is just as fucked up as you in a similar way.
And hot slutty sex. But mostly the sex.
I've licked your asshole. So, yes. I'm cool with you drinking from the container.
Loneliness is coming home and yelling "I'm home!" when you live alone. & laughing at the inside joke w yourself. & crying. & tweeting it.
I was getting ready to go to the store when I realized I wore these clothes there yesterday. So...I'm going to a different store.
Xanax - because fuck caring about stuff
When women play hard to get, I play not gonna try.
My CTRL-ALT-DELETE is vodka-weed-xanax.
I was driving stoned in my car and Rhythm is Gonna Get You came on. I got so paranoid I had to turn the radio off. This weed is great!
Guys: If you are relying on the ribbed condoms to give her pleasure, you've been sadly misled.
And who the fuck wears condoms?! Honestly.
When I call my drug dealer his ring back is classical music so I know I made the right decision.
I'm supporting the arts. Boom. Justified.
Would you please shut the fuck up? I'm trying to tell you how beautiful you are.
I don't remember much algebra, but I know that Ex = fucking crazy
Why does my bellybutton smell so weird?
More importantly, why do I stick my finger in there and then smell it?
When favstar has a steaming pile of shit I can give to the worst tweet of the day I will pay for bonus features.
Girls who say "These drinks are going down easy."
Go down pretty easily.
"Why can't I quit you?!" - Me to the box of Cheez-Its I was trying to close and put away.
My college degree = REALLY expensive piece of paper
I'm going to a farmer's market today. I can't wait to point at my erection and tell all the hippie girls it's "locally grown."
I will destroy anyone in a self-checkout race.
I knew I'd be shaking a cops hand after getting my ticket dismissed in court so I planned ahead. His hand now smells like my balls/taint/ass
This isn't really me. I gave my monkey, Gilberto, the reins to my Twitter...