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I've licked your asshole. So, yes. I'm cool with you drinking from the container.
Loneliness is coming home and yelling "I'm home!" when you live alone. & laughing at the inside joke w yourself. & crying. & tweeting it.
I was getting ready to go to the store when I realized I wore these clothes there yesterday. So...I'm going to a different store.
Xanax - because fuck caring about stuff
When women play hard to get, I play not gonna try.
My CTRL-ALT-DELETE is vodka-weed-xanax.
I was driving stoned in my car and Rhythm is Gonna Get You came on. I got so paranoid I had to turn the radio off. This weed is great!
Guys: If you are relying on the ribbed condoms to give her pleasure, you've been sadly misled.
And who the fuck wears condoms?! Honestly.
When I call my drug dealer his ring back is classical music so I know I made the right decision.
I'm supporting the arts. Boom. Justified.
Would you please shut the fuck up? I'm trying to tell you how beautiful you are.
I don't remember much algebra, but I know that Ex = fucking crazy
Why does my bellybutton smell so weird?
More importantly, why do I stick my finger in there and then smell it?
When favstar has a steaming pile of shit I can give to the worst tweet of the day I will pay for bonus features.
Girls who say "These drinks are going down easy."
Go down pretty easily.
"Why can't I quit you?!" - Me to the box of Cheez-Its I was trying to close and put away.
My college degree = REALLY expensive piece of paper
I'm going to a farmer's market today. I can't wait to point at my erection and tell all the hippie girls it's "locally grown."
I will destroy anyone in a self-checkout race.
I knew I'd be shaking a cops hand after getting my ticket dismissed in court so I planned ahead. His hand now smells like my balls/taint/ass
This isn't really me. I gave my monkey, Gilberto, the reins to my Twitter...
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