Gingers go back into hibernation now? Or they still get a few more days out?

Oh celery, I don't know how to tell you this...I've been using you. Using you...to get the peanut butter *sob* to my mouth. I'm so sorry.

My bank statement hurts my soul

Just put on a pair of shorts from last summer...someone call me an ambulance

salon lady pressured me into getting layers in my hair and now i look so white and sad

Got ice cream with half the fat so I can eat twice as much. That's some serious problem-solving on my part.

I'm smoking 22 feet from this building because keep your laws off my body. Wait...different issue...

I played on a jungle gym yesterday and ow I can't move my arms

This light in my car is telling me to SERVICE ENGINE SOON so I said STOP YELLING AT ME. Bossy, all-caps mothafucka

Just bought glucosamine and soy milk. Signing up for AARP tomorrow.

The pharmacy customers put on their nice face when a religious holiday is coming

Warm, comforting shower. The horrifying shock of the icy cold plastic shower curtain sticking to your ass.

FUN SIZE THINGS RARELY ARE

Sometimes I wonder how I got here, how I lost. I had all the kings, all the aces. DAMN YOU SOLITAIRE....damn you...

i bet tebow is throwin' around some 'aww shucks' and 'gosh darn its'

i baked soda bread today. with flour and the oven deal and everything. i don't even know who i am right now.

the bed was too small. but she didn't care. she said no soft cushy bed walls can contain me. http://t.co/ch4aWxMP

Update: Star Wars toothbrush also lights up. Like a lightsaber. I brushed my teeth with a lightsaber.

Only u can make the difference between morning sex and mourning sex

I'm graduating today! Oh god... I'm graduating today...