My best pick up line: Excuse me, but I think you dropped this two hundred dollars for sex.

Tigger was all "Pooh you crazy fo da honies" and Pooh was all "Tigger pleaze" and then they shot Christopher Robin.

I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn't work out, but he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.

According to the police report, I was fucking hilarious at Applebee's last night.

Hey songs with sirens in them, YOU OWE ME A FUCKING JOINT!

Considering marriage? Light your wallet on fire, move back in with your mom for 2 weeks & slam your dick in the door 6 times. Trust me.

Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.

My friend David had his id stolen. I just call him Dav.

My Mom just called me a Son of a Bitch. Well played Mom, well played.

I know at least three people who are alive today, because I just didn't want to go to prison.

They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".

I sat down with a homeless man & asked him what began his downward spiral. I expected drugs or booze, he said: "twitter, fucking twitter".

Life has an ever cruel tendency of showing you just what you've been longing for & finding the most painful way of keeping it out of reach.

Follow who you want and re-tweet what you like. Tweeting is an escape from the doldrums and drama of the day to day. Remember to laugh.

My neighbor swears he was anally probed by an alien.



Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

"If God didn't want me to get tattooed, he would've never invented girls that like to fuck tattooed guys."

It saddens me that women often compare themselves to society's ideal of beauty. You are all gorgeous & a true man will know and respect that

Never judge a gay man for coming out of the closet until you've walked a mile in their fabulous shoe collection with matching scarves.

My friend asked my son if I was the world's best dad, he said "no he's my dad, the world can find it's own". He is 5 and he's a genius. Love

You stole everything. My heart. My passion. My trust. My loyalty. You left me broken, beaten and down. Thank you.

You gave me strength.