Just bought a bunch of mini-van stickers to put on the back of my kids.

I want the kind of woman that will let me hold a bubble wand up to her b-hole while she farts.

Your material possessions do not impress me at all..
unless of course you want to get married for a brief period of time without a pre-nup.

If it's one of your kids that are shouting Marco/Polo in my apartment complex pool at 2 am, kiss Polo's ass goodbye.

This place has jumped the shark.

Just tried giving myself a blowjob and ended up in the sexiest somersault I've ever seen.

I DO SO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!! She just goes to a different twitter.

Got one of those mustache tattoos on my dick, for you baby. I do all this for you.

When I was 12 my mom bought me an erector set for my birthday, her name was Cinnamon and I loved her.

Baby, why don't you come back to my place and we'll watch some porn on my 60" flat screen mirror.

Never judge a gay man for coming out of the closet until you've walked a mile in their fabulous shoe collection with matching scarves.

I get my freak on just like the rest of you, no pants at a time.

If you don't have anything nice to say, you're probably my racist grandma.

Tigger was all "Pooh you crazy fo da honies" and Pooh was all "Tigger pleaze" and then they shot Christopher Robin.

My Dad just called me bitching about how his apple tree won't produce any fruit, I told him to man up and grow a pear.

It ain't rocket history.

Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.

I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn't work out, but he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.

Had to have "the talk" with my 5yr old. He asked me where sandwiches come from.

They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".