I'm gonna rest my boobs on your forehead, Bro.
They're fuckin' heavy.
And I think your brain could use the stimulation.

There's a guy in H&M trying on sweatpants and checking the mirror.

They're sweatpants bro. They're made for catching mustard. Buy em

"Whatever You Were Going to Eat, Plus Cheese"


-tentative title of the cookbook I'm writing

You're free the exact moment you decide to be

In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it

None of my tweets have 140 characters. Most of the time they're just about me.

Asking how many people I've slept with is like asking how many calories are in a Big Mac.

We both know you're still going to eat it.

My pet rock died so I buried him through the asshole neighbor's window.

Every time my boyfriend cums too soon, I spray him in the face with a water bottle. He needs to learn.

My dog is never more of a bad ass as when he is barking at something outside...from inside...on the couch.

If one more damn person tells me that twirling my hair is a sign of sexual tension, well I'm just going to have to fuck them.

I'm so hungry I could eat a whores.

With 10 being the dumbest, on a scale of 9.9 to 10, how dumb do you think Kim Kardashian is?

I can't do basic Math, but when it comes to guessing how many seconds random food will take in the microwave,...I'm Mother Fucking Rain Man.

Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.

I don't know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I'm drunk. Or he's rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

if you're worried about people stealing your tweets just do what i do and never be funny ever.

There really should be a tiny pic of your old avi next to your new one, so I’m not constantly saying: Who the fuck is that?

I fought the Foo and the Foo won.

I'm glad China laughs at child labor laws because those little bastards did one fuck of an awesome job on that Great Wall and these Nikes.