Expectation is the root of all disappointment.

For my next psychic trick, I am going to start thinking of people then I'm going to see if they text me.....

God created weed, man created alcohol. Who you gonna trust?

Every guy thinks that every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy.... Pshh, every girl's dream is to eat without getting fat.

I had big plans to sleep in today. So basically, I was failing today from the moment I woke up.

Apple sauce.

Because sometimes you're just too lazy to chew.

Boys,
Take a look at your girl. Now, take a look at her mom. Yep, be warned, that's what she'll look like.

Thank god my mom's hot.

A pretty face and a nice body will never compensate for an ugly personality and a black heart.

Old enough to know better and young enough not to care.

I've completely lost my patience for people who are not authentic.

Just made up a new word.

BRONG: A bong smoked for brunch.

I'm classy like that.

If at first you don't succeed, fuck the plan and smoke some weed.

#WiseWordsToLiveBy

There is great entertainment to be found in watching those who lack self awareness.

Review of my 2012:

Holy shit.

WTF?

SMH.

Smile.

Happiness is only real when it is shared.

Be thankful when someone decides to walk out of your life. There is now more room for those who actually matter.

Some people honestly need a steel-toe boot to the face. For real.

So my sister just realized that she too can see dead people.

#WelcomeToTheFamily

If you love it, fuck it.
If it comes back, fuck it again.
If it doesn't, fuck it.

Someone you haven't even met yet is wondering what it'd be like to know someone like you.