I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.

Girls pick jerks over nice guys the same way guys pick sluts over cool girls.. we are all idiots.

If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.

I go for the cute, goofy guy with the jokes over the hot, cocky guy with the muscles everytime. Because funny guys are the best guys.

My brother is trying to set me up with a guy on his Xbox.. that's a new low you guys, a new low.

My mom hands me an extra large zucchini and says "It's for eating by the way". My mom might like twitter after all..

I call pregnancy on that engagment.

I will ALWAYS take "you're so weird" as a compliment.

If buying boxed wine makes you classy, then I am the Queen of England.

Just watched some idiot spend 10 minutes trying to vacuum up a gum wrapper instead of just picking it up. JK. It was me. I'm so lazy.

The more awkward you are, the more I will love you. Everytime.

People who wear pants to bed are creepy.

My mom just told me to "Mapquest" directions..... And how would you like me to get there, mom? My covered wagon?

<------- Brought her remote to work instead of her phone like a true intellectual.

Pretending to be busy is exhausting.

Kelly Clarkson is the new Nickelback... No more songs please.

Nothing quite like running into your ex boyfriend's parents with a cart full of alcohol and hot pockets..

On facebook, you can watch someones pregnancy. On twitter you can watch someones road to getting more drunk. I like twitter.

"LeBron has cramps"... I get those every month you baby.

Whenever I talk to a good looking guy, I turn into some kind of weird comedian that says "bro" a lot.