You know, Barbie has a lot of cool stuff for a girl whose knees don't bend.

Love means never having to say wrong hole

4 out of 5 urologists smell their apple juice before they drink it.

Any convenience store that requires I wear pants isn't all that convenient

Tip- poodles aren't as absorbent as they look.

I like you guys more than I like real people

Whoa ...whoa. Did you guys know people lie on here?

Why would I give a word to the wise? It's the stupid people that need it.

Volunteered my arms today for students to practice IV starts. I have track marks Gary Busey would envy.

When you say "I've got your back" I hope you mean you're going to bend me over a chair.

I just found my bra from last night. Related: I need to buy a ladder.

Nothing turns me on quite like the sound of a racking shotgun.

It's normal for your Dentist to tea bag you in the exam chair right? At least tell me you're supposed to deep throat him for the xrays :s

No no no. Help! Someone I actually know wants to be my twitter friend. Quick hide me!

Tip- if you're the only one dancing, and there's no dance floor. You may have a drinking problem.

Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, you're supposed to give used toys to less fortunate.

Is there a better feeling than crawling back into bed? I think not.

I seriously need to get laid. This isn't a joke. I'm so deprived I think I have cob webs in there. Somebody help.

How come when I have a Dr apt I can't find any underwear without a hole in it

Do they run credits at the end of a porno? I've never made it that far.