I'm so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.

If I were immortal I would probably spend the next 200 years wasting my time on the internet.

I love that part of relationships when people don't know they hate each other yet.

I just read my own tweets and now I want to unfollow and block myself.

Saying "Drink responsibly" is like saying "Penetrate respectfully"

Love is when she won't shut the fuck up and you don't even want to kill her and dispose her body in a lake.

Do you have to be funny to get stars around here or do I just have to draw a dick on my cat and tell you all about it?

I had to use a Blackberry to check my mail. I pressed so many buttons that now I think I can fly a plane.

You had me at unavailable.

I got so drunk last night I texted my current girlfriend instead of my ex.

My mother sent me a 500+ characters joke via email like I'm some kinda caveman.

So the Pope opens a Twitter account 2 months ago and now he doesn't want to work.
Coincidence? I think not.

When mom asked about Twitter I sent her a link to a web page with sounds of the birds from Costa Rica.
I got everything under control.

I'm not ignoring you.
I'm just letting all the people around you know that they're a lot more important than you.

Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.

Nice try girls who pretend to love sports, nice try.

Awww...My sobriety is so damn cute when it wants to compete with my alcoholism.

I'll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

Hey romantic good guys, the last girl who fell for a poem died in Woodstock from an acid overdose back in 69.

It would be really hard to get into women if they had no vagina.