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I'm so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
I love that part of relationships when people don't know they hate each other yet.
If I were immortal I would probably spend the next 200 years wasting my time on the internet.
I just read my own tweets and now I want to unfollow and block myself.
Saying "Drink responsibly" is like saying "Penetrate respectfully"
I got so drunk last night I texted my current girlfriend instead of my ex.
Love is when she won't shut the fuck up and you don't even want to kill her and dispose her body in a lake.
You had me at unavailable.
Do you have to be funny to get stars around here or do I just have to draw a dick on my cat and tell you all about it?
I had to use a Blackberry to check my mail. I pressed so many buttons that now I think I can fly a plane.
Nephew: What's love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
When mom asked about Twitter I sent her a link to a web page with sounds of the birds from Costa Rica.
I got everything under control.
Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.
My mother sent me a 500+ characters joke via email like I'm some kinda caveman.
I'll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
So the Pope opens a Twitter account 2 months ago and now he doesn't want to work.
Coincidence? I think not.
Nice try girls who pretend to love sports, nice try.
I'm not ignoring you.
I'm just letting all the people around you know that they're a lot more important than you.
Awww...My sobriety is so damn cute when it wants to compete with my alcoholism.
Hey romantic good guys, the last girl who fell for a poem died in Woodstock from an acid overdose back in 69.
I love that part of relationships when people don't know they hate each other yet. Snapchat: charliegil