Blowjobs are a lot easier than saying sorry

Wouldn't the world just be a cleaner place if we could give all blind people a broom instead of a cane.

I don't like the phrase "fat", I prefer "hard to kidnap"

Honestly I don't understand the point of viagra. I like pie but I don't want it for 4 hours.

Be a weirdo. Bitches love weirdos.

Better late than pregnant

Honestly, where do I find Twitter people in real life?

Twitter has made it significantly harder to be around non funny people

Sometimes I get obnoxiously sassy with people, then I realize I've sucked their dick and they video taped it so I should stop talking.

Men with babies melt my heart. And by melt my heart I mean make my ovaries explode.

I've accepted being single because I'm way funnier when I don't have a man to worry about embarrassing/causing emotional trauma to.

If you think Ouija boards are filled with the power of darkness, please note they're made by the same people as Hungry Hungry Hippos

don't bother subtweeting me. I don't take hints very well and ill just assume the "crazy bitch" is somebody else.

Hey, I want to be what makes your day better

That moment you realize somebody isn't just pretending to be creepy in a funny way, they actually are.

Someday you'll realize what a mistake it was to take a giant shit on the one person who loved you no matter what.

Oh so you like quiet, socially awkward, sarcastic, cat obsessed girls? I'm just your type!!

Swallow and smile. Advice that works both for emotions and cum.

Even the best sex won't keep somebody from cheating, the best relationship will. Rethink your priorities.

If you don't sleep naked you don't know what living is.