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I'm gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.
Finally pinpointed what I hate about politics in America and unfortunately moving to Canada won't help because there are people up there too
When I was a kid I was jealous of grown-ups because they got to do whatever they want. Now I'm jealous of kids for the same reason.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
I miss the old days before this campaign season when "play the race card" and "play the trump card" meant different things.
Thought it would be really funny to cut nipple holes in all of my shirts and boyyyyy was I right.
My favorite holiday tradition: wait for someone to mention rum balls and then blurt out "is that anything like whiskey dick???"
My fear of commitment has gotten so bad that I break out in a cold sweat when the lady at the post office tries to sell me forever stamps.
If you have to say, "here's the interesting part" more than three times during your story, there is no interesting part.
Try to leave the internet a little better than you found it.
Complimenting someone on their 'tards is an awkward way to find out people don't refer to leotards as 'tards.
Tonight we saw the human side of Mitt Romney. I even feel like I can relate to him a little. Because he, too, is unemployed now.
Still haven't lost weight since I got my new fitness tracker, but I sure do love looking down on fat ppl who don't own one.
In a perfect world you can't vote against legalization of marijuana until you've smoked it.
Sometimes I carry breath mints in an engagement ring box just to suddenly make women really uncomfortable mid-conversation.
The best cheeseburger in Salem is made by Applebee's. This is not a praise. This is an indictment.
It's time for another rousing round of everyone's favorite game show, "Subaru Dealership Or Whole Foods Parking Lot?"
Stand-up comedian, writer, photographer. I automatically unfollow at the first sign of attempted poetry.
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