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When I was a kid I was jealous of grown-ups because they got to do whatever they want. Now I'm jealous of kids for the same reason.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Thought it would be really funny to cut nipple holes in all of my shirts and boyyyyy was I right.
Try to leave the internet a little better than you found it.
Tonight we saw the human side of Mitt Romney. I even feel like I can relate to him a little. Because he, too, is unemployed now.
In a perfect world you can't vote against legalization of marijuana until you've smoked it.
"Women do not like sex" is a myth perpetuated by men who are bad at sex.
I predict that in the year 2050 the only people who will have tramp stamps will be grandmas. Thus they will be referred to as granny stamps.
Our morals evolve as we age. "Don't do drugs" becomes "don't do too many of the wrong drugs during a weekday."
I'm gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.
Phone changed "asshole" text to "ashore," taking me from swearing like a sailor to talking about things pertaining to sailing.
If my butt ever goes bald, I'll try butt Rogaine first, but if that doesn't work then I'll probably just spring for butt plugs.
Autopsy shows either the turkey ate a lot of stuffing shortly before it died, or it was placed there posthumously by a real pervert.
While texting my mom I tried to spell the word “capslock” but “cockslap” came out. Before autocorrect, that could only be blamed on Freud.
Relationships would be easy if they didn't involve other people.
All I know is if I had invented beer pong it would've been called "cup the balls."
In Freud's defense, his mom was a real hottie.
If Tupac knew there would be twitter apps that allowed you to write now but post later he totally woulda been all over that shit.
I think the guy sitting at the bar to my left is singing to me. But I'm too afraid of making eye contact to turn and verify.
Stand-up comedian based out of Salem, Oregon.
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