Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
My moms wanted to join Twitter. I told her all you have to do is give your credit card # over the phone to a stranger. Boom. Crisis avoided
Twitter: the only place where you can miss someone you've never met
If you use enough sarcasm, saying "thank you" can be way more harsh than saying "fuck you"
We only truly sacrifice when we believe passionately in the outcome
I love being touched. Feeling wanted. Doing relationship shit even if I don't want the other trappings of a relationship. It's weird
My moms asked me what a douchebag is. I played a Pit Bull video from YouTube for her. Boom. Mystery solved
Twitter is an old, old Native American word for "teepee full of ballsy females"
Smart = sexy
Can we go back to when you couldn't breathe without me?
Just wanted to get your hopes up for a nanosecond, you lying whore
Single moms will blow your mind.
In so many ways
Me: you're lying
Cloud: no, I'm cirrus.
I'm so sorry, guys
Black guy just admired my car. Your move, Vanilla Ice
The worst thing about being a guy is the stigma against using a winking emoticon.
Dudes with bangs:
You fuckin serious right now?
Pro tip: if a chick says she's getting a boob job, don't ask "so are you getting your ass done too?"
They don't seem to like that
Just got a booty call from life. Apparently it wants to keep fucking me
Bartender chicks calling atttention to your ass with that bottle opener in your back pocket:
Keep doing that
My hair stylist is a gay Asian dude named Hung. Just in case anyone wondered if God has a sense of humor
Anyone who says "the possibilities are endless" has obviously never tried anal sex without lube
I bet Scrotal Eclipse Of The Heart would be a top shelf name for a stripper