My moms wanted to join Twitter. I told her all you have to do is give your credit card # over the phone to a stranger. Boom. Crisis avoided

Twitter: the only place where you can miss someone you've never met

If you use enough sarcasm, saying "thank you" can be way more harsh than saying "fuck you"

We only truly sacrifice when we believe passionately in the outcome

I love being touched. Feeling wanted. Doing relationship shit even if I don't want the other trappings of a relationship. It's weird

My moms asked me what a douchebag is. I played a Pit Bull video from YouTube for her. Boom. Mystery solved

Twitter is an old, old Native American word for "teepee full of ballsy females"

Smart = sexy

Can we go back to when you couldn't breathe without me?

Jk!

Just wanted to get your hopes up for a nanosecond, you lying whore

Single moms will blow your mind.
In so many ways

Me: you're lying

Cloud: no, I'm cirrus.

I'm so sorry, guys

Black guy just admired my car. Your move, Vanilla Ice

The worst thing about being a guy is the stigma against using a winking emoticon.

Sigh

Dudes with bangs:
You fuckin serious right now?

Pro tip: if a chick says she's getting a boob job, don't ask "so are you getting your ass done too?"

They don't seem to like that
*shrugs*

Just got a booty call from life. Apparently it wants to keep fucking me

Bartender chicks calling atttention to your ass with that bottle opener in your back pocket:

Keep doing that

My hair stylist is a gay Asian dude named Hung. Just in case anyone wondered if God has a sense of humor

Anyone who says "the possibilities are endless" has obviously never tried anal sex without lube

I bet Scrotal Eclipse Of The Heart would be a top shelf name for a stripper