My dog just got a boner looking at some cheese.

Told some girl at a party one time that Sigur Rós was Icelandic for Sugar Ray. She believed me.

Shitty photo (cut some nerds off to get it), but yes, this Jeep's fenders are covered in anime girls. @dudehugs pic.twitter.com/rNGpe4B6Cn

Making a murder-suicide pact with this 24oz porterhouse steak

Lol Honey, remember those monogramed golf tees you bought me for my birthday? It was a pack of nine, remember? Remember the nine tees?

Dad: don't write-in "poopdick" on your ballot because then your vote goes to Romney

The PT Cruiser is the fedora of the automotive world.

You awake to Bea Arthur's ghost spoonfeeding you ghost Yoplait. It's all discontinued flavors so you can't decide if it's cool or terrifying

A banshee haunts my scrotum. My ejaculations are the bellowing howl of a soul lost in limbo.

*Stares at Almond Milk for 10 minutes straight at the supermarket* "I ain't bout dat life" *turns and walks away*

It's a sad day when you realize many American icons had slaves... George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Foghorn Leghorn...

A velociraptor in a Globetrotters jersey dunking on chump Jordan while coach Danny DeVito goes nuts. #NBA4stoners

I like traveling, the outdoors, readi *vomits massive stream of black, lice-infested pubic hair onto my Denny's Grand Slam breakfast*

@dudehugs Hey @kanyewest I think you owe this gentleman two new tires

Yr in the delivery room w yr wife. She births a 9lbs backwards boner. You hesitantly cut the cord. Nurse blushes and wrapes it in a blanket.

. @garfield STOP TEXTING MY GIRLFRIEND

It's the remix to Ignition / Reversin' decompisition / Raisin' zombies with chronic / Necro-dopin'-physician

Neutral DILF Motel

#ProsOfDatingMe I am a long-dead sexless cosmonaut floating thru space commenting on fuckers, dildos, and pizza w/ a hearty post-Soviet POV

Lori Beth Denberg crashes yr Halloween party wearing black face, says she's supposed to be a bottle of Mrs. Buttersworth.