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My dog just got a boner looking at some cheese.
Told some girl at a party one time that Sigur Rós was Icelandic for Sugar Ray. She believed me.
Making a murder-suicide pact with this 24oz porterhouse steak
Lol Honey, remember those monogramed golf tees you bought me for my birthday? It was a pack of nine, remember? Remember the nine tees?
Dad: don't write-in "poopdick" on your ballot because then your vote goes to Romney
The PT Cruiser is the fedora of the automotive world.
You awake to Bea Arthur's ghost spoonfeeding you ghost Yoplait. It's all discontinued flavors so you can't decide if it's cool or terrifying
A banshee haunts my scrotum. My ejaculations are the bellowing howl of a soul lost in limbo.
*Stares at Almond Milk for 10 minutes straight at the supermarket* "I ain't bout dat life" *turns and walks away*
It's a sad day when you realize many American icons had slaves... George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Foghorn Leghorn...
I like traveling, the outdoors, readi *vomits massive stream of black, lice-infested pubic hair onto my Denny's Grand Slam breakfast*
Yr in the delivery room w yr wife. She births a 9lbs backwards boner. You hesitantly cut the cord. Nurse blushes and wrapes it in a blanket.
It's the remix to Ignition / Reversin' decompisition / Raisin' zombies with chronic / Necro-dopin'-physician
Neutral DILF Motel
Lori Beth Denberg crashes yr Halloween party wearing black face, says she's supposed to be a bottle of Mrs. Buttersworth.