Why can't I be the slut my vagina wants me to be?

I wish I could do an accent like Long Duck Dong & go around saying "whatsa happinin hott stuff" & and the a gong would sound out of nowhere

Why can't we just do things like they did in the old west? Carry a gun in a garter & shoot the people that piss us off.

My pick-up line "I'm a pirate & I want ur booty" Hasn't worked yet but someday I hope to have a peg leg & a parrot to help me seal the deal

I'm having a hard time connecting to the internet I steal.

My ex-boyfriend could eat pussy for hours...too bad it wasn't mine. o_O

Huge ring around the moon tonight, kids asked why, so I told em...shit's about to get real, the moon is falling. They love me WAY more now.

I'm not bitter, I'm actually quite sweet...trust me, I checked.

I wish ppl would at least start a good rumor about me, like "Hey, did u hear, Tosha went back in time & got stoned with Jim Morrison."

With such sexual deviants as ourselves I propose a new social network...Clitter. I think it will work for me mutiple times.

I now remember why I quit going to weddings...I fucking hate people.

I tweet shit as it comes into my brain...good, obscene, bad, worse, and pathetic.

I live in a rural area, I'm outside, isn't this when aliens are supposed to abduct & probe me? I NEED to be probed!

The way I'm losing followers I should be down to -50 by next week. Fine I'm not funny, but I bet I fuck better than you!

I would really like to take a vacation from this "not being a whore" business.

Life is like a box of chocolates--you gotta poke a few till you find the ones that taste good.

Coworker: "Your purse smells like weed!!??" Me: "I know."

If it weren't for some of the fucked up shit you guys write on here, I would think I'm the only nut job in this crazy world.

When I think of the people who have fucked me over I wish them the best. The best diseases #syphillis, #gonnareaha, #lepracy

You can't force love, but there's always Stockholm Syndrome.