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Just kidding, there's no god. If he exists he's spending too much time watching us masturbate while completely ignoring most of Africa.
Anytime a girl unfollows me I have this fantasy where I show up at her work and whisper in her ear: "I could've been THE ONE"
The first thing I feel when an attractive woman shows interest in me is suspicion.
I tweet, therefore I don't think before I commit an aborted and perverted thought to permanent databases.
Welcome to Twitter, where most of us are too smart for our own good but not smart enough to do anything worthwhile.
Why would an alien race want to exterminate us?
*observes twitter*
Oh yeah, that.
I've learned that the surest way to get a woman's attention is to be covered in the scent of another woman.
I wish upon my enemies the same thing I wish upon my friends: May you reap what you sow.
Pussy is great, anal is dandy, but let's be real- I'd settle for handy #lovepoems
Someday I'll prove SPIKE TV and date rape are closely related. Shouldn't be too difficult.
If a woman is too perfect I'll leave her the hell alone. She's earned it and certainly deserves it.
Matthew 24:34 And then Satan, upon seeing Jesus dying on the cross thus said, "YOLO, LOL"
Strange that the way to Twitter popularity forces us down a bottleneck so narrow that we all sound the same and we become what we hate.
When my neighbors are having sex I stick my hand thru the window and patiently wait to get tagged in.
I've been having some strange dreams recently. Makes sleep infinitely better.
Barbarus hic ego sum, quia non intellegor ulli
