Don't talk about shame til you have to email a Star Trek fansite because posts you made at 13 are now Google's top hits for your full name.

Can -- can we hold a nationwide seminar to teach moms that 'come' isn't a word they should try to abbreviate when texting?

A 2-year-old I've never seen just wandered into my cube & started telling me about his sweater. This is the best meeting I've had all week.

Stay tuned for my thrilling exposé on how the Cute Flats Industry is in the pocket of Big Bandaid.

Like Voldemort in the forests of Albania, it turns out Mambo Number 5 lives on in the bars of Cardiff.

Fail (n): someone cocks an ear to your party playlist and asks, "Have you heard of Stuff White People Like?"

Been in this Ikea so long I just became a naturalized Swedish citizen.

iPod earbud tangled in dangly earring. I am SO going to win First World Problem Bingo.

The last Titanic survivor, a baby put in a lifeboat, has died at age 97. Just goes to show how worthless it is to try to save babies lives.

She died as she lived, stuck in a too-small dress in Urban Outfitters' dressing room, shortly after completing 72 rounds of Dress or Shirt?

It's such a short distance from 'dipping things in Cool Whip' to 'still dipping things in Cool Whip but now that thing is just a spoon'.

Am I hungry enough to get out of bed or lazy enough to stay here? It's a motherfucking vice off.

I have a story to tell you about jalapeños and contact lenses, but it must be really sad, because I can't stop crying.

Doctor, we have to hurry. The window for Having Enough Energy To Put Sheets Back On The Bed is rapidly closing. This is a Code Lazy.

I hate when you learn something new about the monstrosities humans are capable of. There were *raisins* in this banana bread.

"We're going to 3, not 1." "I pushed it because it had a star. Like Twitter." "... you just tried to favorite the elevator?"

So weird: found box full of shiny metal circles. Turns out they fit inside my computer and play my fav songs from college. What on earth.

My haiku endings have really improved since I realized CHALLENGE ACCEPTED is five syllables.

Oh god I hope no one in this hipster coffee shop saw me try to Shazam what turned out to be a State Farm ad.

When will Obama pass legislation making it socially acceptable to read at boring parties?