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Having a Twitter and a wife is a serious conflict of interest.
I need a shower like you fuckers need shame and spell check.
Being drunk on Facebook would get me a phone call from my mom, being drunk on Twitter gets me a trophy, so Facebook can go fuck itself.
It's funny that sex can solve a lot of problems and still manage to fuck everything up.
When I "Fav" a tweet, I liked it, when I "RT" a tweet, I want to spread it, when I both "Fav" and "RT" you just made my man boobs bounce.
When women gain weight, their tits get bigger, when men gain weight, their dicks get smaller. Facts suck.
Twitter girlfriend?!? Whoa...slow down baby...my wife already drives me bat-shit crazy...I need somewhere to go where I can be a man whore.
You fuckers are so dirty it feels like I should be wearing a condom just getting on Twitter...
I wish my wife had the same attitude as my son, he'll put anything in his mouth.
I'd say we should all get together sometime but I'm pretty sure most of you can't cross state lines.
I used to wake up to surprise blowjobs, now I wake up to surprise shitty diapers. What the fuck was I thinking?
Sometimes I post a tweet on Facebook just so my family knows I'm still alive and still an embarrassment.
There's no polite or discrete way to unstick your balls from your thigh in public.
Everytime my wife's period is late she thinks she's pregnant. Me? I just pack a bag and wait it out.
The day they put porn on Netflix is the day you'll never hear from me again.
Watching my wife pick her nose and eat it kinda pisses me off since she never swallows.
Convincing my mom that "Angry Beavers" was a cartoon and not a porn was like trying to convince my wife that swallowing is romantic.
Marriage: when you go from opening doors to be a gentlemen to leaving the toilet seat up to be an asshole.
Fuck people who put "lol" or "j/k" in something so you know they're joking. I'm not a fucking idiot you condescending bitch.
I'm going to start handing out McDonald's nametags at my college, some of these assholes are fooling themselves.