When I say "I'd wreck that chick", I'm talking about emotionally.

So you're wearing makeup, a wonder bra, and jeans that make your ass look firm, but you don't like being lied to?

That's cute.

I'm not above making sure all 50 chicken nuggets are in the bag. Stop honking assholes.

If someone made a video montage of my life, 90% of it would be me walking out of the house with my "Wtf did I forget" look.

Your opinion on video games becomes invalid if you never had to blow into a cartridge to get it to work.

I'll never bitch about someone RTing too much. That's how I got my followers. Nobody likes a hypocrite.

Diamonds aren't a girls best friend. Not once have I heard a girl badmouth diamonds behind their back.

Nailed. It.

Mitch Hedberg would have all-encompassingly dominated Twitter.

Words with Friends would be more accurate if it was called Scrabble with a bunch of cheaters.

I just attempted to sit on the toilet with the seat up.
I get it ladies. We're fucking assholes. I hate us too.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

It's Twitter. I can't call it writers block.
That's like getting a sore wrist from playing Madden and calling it a "sports related injury"

No amount of followers gives you the right to talk down to people.
Remember that.

That awkward moment when you run into an ex and you have to push a senior citizen into incoming traffic to cause a diversion.
Just me?

Give a bum a dollar, he'll eat for a day.

Frame a bum for a murder you committed, he'll eat until he's executed.

I wanna work security for a Wiggles concert and savagely tackle any children attempting to rush the stage.

If you guys need me, I'll be practicing dropkicks on top of my bed.

"I'm not following"
-Twitter Elite/Children in remedial classes.

I’m texting “I’m going to keep the baby” to random numbers until someone replies

All I need in this life of sin, is me and my squirrel friend.