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It's a shame that Blue Ivy will never get the opportunity to pick out her very own stripper name.
The Republican response is my favorite part of the #sotu. "Everything he said was wrong because things and stuff."
Christmas is Sunday?! Thank God for the internet…otherwise I would have been so lost.
Going through a Facebook cleansing and deleting those who have no significance in my life. Except you, attractive person. Except you.
Fun science fact! If you took out both your small and large intestines and stretched them out, end to end, you would die.
Do people who say 'Only God can judge me' realize there are professional judges? Cause they can judge you. Also me, I'm very judgmental.
I wish I wasn't completely retarded and could play piano. What a beautiful instrument.
Those reindeer antlers on your car aren't cute. You look like a psychopath.
What ever happened to that Soulja Boy dance? It really brought out the black in me.
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the only reason I have trust issues.
Guy on @foxnews just said to put an index card with your personal info in your shoe in case someone finds you dead. Good reporting.
Let's stay up unreasonably late tonight and then complain about how unreasonably exhausted we are tomorrow.
Follow me at @fossphate!
