Every morning a violently brush my teeth to punish my mouth for what it did the night before.

Sometimes I visualize Twitter as a huge bathroom in a high school and we're all the delinquents hanging out skipping class and smoking.

2012 diet plan consists mostly of energy drinks and cocaine.

How is it that dogs never step in their own shit?

When people ask why my Christmas tree is still up. I inform them that this is my MLK day tree and ask the to leave. Racism is not tolerated.

Sext: I'm bringing over a $6 bottle of gas station wine. Shits about to get romantical.

Btw this counts as foreplay.

I want you to die in a fire. That I set.

I dunk my Oreos in whiskey and sin!

The only sensible way to deal with a hacked account is to run naked around your home screaming " I've been compromised!!!"

Valentine's day is fast approaching. Remember nobody loves you and you'll be alone forever.

NO, you're not a failure. You're just really good at not succeeding.

Heed this warning : A can of cheese whiz does not substitute for a can of whipped cream in the bedroom.

When I become twitter overlord I will make starring AVI's possible.

You're welcome.

If you have pancakes, you have friends.

Your mom hugged you way to much.

Every time I come to a four-way stop, I realize that adults never really locked down that whole "taking turns" concept.

Apparently waking up and yelling at your bf "why aren't you fucking me?!" is rude.

I will not punch my coworkers, I will not punch my coworkers, I will not punch my coworkers, I will not punch my coworkers

So quickly my fake red fades.... pic.twitter.com/ueduT3rW

I'm not a blonde anymore. pic.twitter.com/v6GbxIi1