Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until he starts to work.

Die hard 5 is releasing next year... or as I call it " Die already you bald divorcee!"

Remember to go to church today. And by 'church' I mean a sacred place. And by 'a sacred place' I mean anywhere on earth.

Sad people often have the most beautiful smiles.

More guns in America than people, Why?

90% of twitter are lonely teenagers who want a cute relationship

Old friend: "We need to hang out!" Never happens.

Roses are red, that much is true, but violets are purple, not fucking blue!

Vaginas...ruling the world since...vaginas.

Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.

Be intent upon the perfection of the present day.

When did we go from charging a penny for our thoughts to tweeting them for free?

When semen is left to dry on skin, the protein left behind can help reduce wrinkles

Life is short, death is long.

Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one

A slut is like a bowling ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down the alley, and then comes back for more.

___ is in a relationship with ___.... EWWWW!

You discover how wrong your parents are between the ages of 12 - 16.

When I say "I don't give a fuck" I probably give so many fucks.

If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.