I always have too much month left at the end of my money.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.

Its cute how I keep checking my cell phone like someone loves me.

"That shit looks like fun. Let's make it a sin." - God.

My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you."

Sleep is the new sex. All of us need it, all of us want it and none of us ever get enough.

Botox, shaved armpits, waxed legs, boob jobs, nose-jobs, pierced ears and liposuction but taking it in the ass hurts?

Women. LOL.

No one wants to have sex with your inner beauty.

You need to be absolutely fucked up in real life to be popular on twitter.

If you love something, don't.

The toughest part of running away from everything is still having to take yourself with you.

A woman drives into a bar.

"Here, throw this away for me." ~ People who hand out leaflets.

If it doesn't suffocate you, its not love.

If music can't fix it, it's broken.

I carry a knife whenever I'm running late to work because that's what Counterstrike taught me: "You always run faster with a knife".

If she's pretty and single, it's because she's crazy. Very fucking crazy.

The most basic rule of life: Don't let go of things which make you smile. Never fucking ever.

I never surround myself with negative people. Or positive people.
Or any sort of people.
People suck.

If you think telling lies will land you in trouble, try being honest.