Dear vegan people, I wear leather. You don't eat meat. Let's coexist, stop making everyone put out synthetic bullshit.

I'm sorry, but if I can't strip fully naked and light a cigarette when I take a shit... I'm afraid, I don't care to work for your company.

Today is one of those days where I want to take a leisurely stroll through a local park, and clothesline unsuspecting joggers.

Am I the only one who refers to having sex with a drag queen as "clown fucking"?

Girls are such fucking show offs. I'm considering keeping my gay card in my pants, and marrying for a sexless marriage and a clean house.

I wonder if Zooey Deschanel likes to be choked out after sex, because the character she always plays begs to be strangled.

What I wouldn't give to watch Justin Bieber go through a windshield in slow motion over and over again to Daft Punk's Aerodynamic.

Hey people with stances on being in/out of the closet... sex is allowed to be personal, and sexuality doesn't have to be about identity.

Today, I'm getting drunk on seafood, and filling up on Manhattans. Thank god it's the Sabbath.

Planning on getting a magic 8-ball and an 8-ball of coke for work on April fools day, and answering the phone like Ms. Cleo. Call me now!

I've been neglecting work today by writing new years resolutions for friends and family. Drunk dialing at midnight just got interesting.

I soccer-mom saved an old lady crossing the street today. One act of kindness allowed me to redeem 2011, and cop a feel at the same time.

If you tell me how to live my life and aren't paying my bills or putting out, expect to be mugged and raped before I take your advice.

No mother my job isn't driving me to drink. My job is trying to drive me to black tar heroin, but I'm having a beer instead. Fair?

Quick question: do Mormons believe in extraterrestrial life? Followup: does magic underwear prevent anal probing?

Just remember, it only counts as storming out if you flip a table first.

Mr. Sandman is the fucking worst dealer. Never shows up on time, and I think he's giving me that dirt shit.

I really need to shave my beard. She's super hairy, but at least no one suspects I'm gay in public.

I seem to have misplaced my #gayCard. can I check your asshole for it, with my FIST?

All I want to see is Santorum and Romney butt to butt a la Requiem for a Dream, w/ conservative white ladies making it rain on them.