If I ever woke up in a hospital with no recollection of how I got there, I think my first instinct would be to text someone "Zombies?"

I hate how every guy who pursues Daenerys uses the excuse that "she needs a strong man by her side." Have you fucking met her?

Someone should get "NOT PENNY'S BOAT" tattooed on their palm. Not me. Someone else do it.

Im beginning to suspect that i really might not be a beautiful and unique snowflake.

They need to make up an Emmy for "Biggest Badass" to give to Giancarlo Esposito for how he plays Gus Fring #BreakingBad

That's a pretty good impression of every girl you've ever dated. RT @chrisbrown #Ahhhhhhhhhh

Things society desperately needs to reconsider: Pants. It is hot as balls outside.

"You'd screw your own sister for a slice of cheese." "I don't even like cheese." "That makes it even worse." Oh Nathan don't leave. #Misfits

Audience member to @mishacollins: "Has being the Antichrist influenced the way you play God?" #SDCC #SPN #Supernatural

Moderator: "You've all died at least once on the show." Jensen: "I died like 40 times in one episode." #SDCC #SPN #Supernatural

Fuck yeah getting home three hours late. Mark this up as one of the worst nights in years. Can I have the rest of my life off?

Every time a customer tells me they have a red door I ask them if they want to paint it black. No one has gotten it yet.

Larry King jokes are just funnier now that Conan and Larry King are official BFFs #Conan

"Here are the test results. 'You're a horrible person.' That's what it says. A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that." #portal2

Goal for today: slip the phrase "monkeyslut is blown" into conversation without turning heads.

RT @thefilmstage Updated: Marion Cotillard and Joseph Gordon-Levitt 'The Dark Knight Rises'; Roles Revealed - http://thefilmstage.com/XO

@emmyakay And my straw reaches... ACROOOOOOOSSSSSSS the room

I. DRINK. YOUR. MILKSHAKE.

If singing Don't Stop Believin at strangers in traffic is wrong, I don't want to be right.

I think my life needs a Jerry Gergich.